Balance Is Birth

The saying is that there are two types of people in this world.

Well, that can be broken down like fractions, right?

Narcissists and empaths.

Evil and good.

Have to have both understanding of each other to find true balance.

True learning.

Yin and Yang.

The only problem is nothing can stay in perfect unison because it will end up as nothing eventually.

There always has to be a tipping point.

Can't stay in the negatives too long.

Can't stay in the positive too long.

Gotta find that balance.

Have to tippy toe through it all.

It's a dance.

It is beautiful if you can navigate it.

I can't, but I am blessed to be able to understand the dance.
I am blessed with those that try to teach me the dance.
I believe in the teachings of Jesus.

I'm in a dark place for too long right now.
Light has blessed me, yet I can't escape the dark long term.
Dark is trying so hard to teach me I'm not done learning the dark yet.
Light keeps saying you have suffered long enough, get away from the dark.

That is another Yin-Yang of trying to balance.

I think the meaning of life is understanding everything living, and everything living understands everything living also, where there is no balance needed in any area anymore.

Sad.

I think our next future step before that is...

Telepathically sharing our inner thoughts with images, etc... Effortlessly... zero shame, etc.
Total freedom of self... ego...

I think that is the next step in evolving effectively with balancing the yin and yang.

 Most of society thinks that compatibility means enjoying the same things. Okay, so two people love to exercise. Compatibility, right? Wrong. Why? Because one's idea of enjoying exercise is by running at the track, while the other's enjoyment is lifting weights. WHILE the one that loves running isn't into lifting weights and the one that loves lifting weights isn't into running. That equals NOT compatible. It's actually 90% compatible when BOTH respects the differences though. True respect is both can be 100% honest with each other about everything without running the other person off. Does that mean you're meant for one another as life mates when that can be achieved? NO. Why? Because you also have to factor in the other 10% of what you haven't learned yet. 10% sounds like no big deal, but that is the deal-breaker at the end of the day. SO, start with figuring out that 10% first. You can only get there by being fully honest to yourself, taking responsibility for your perspectives, etc, etc, etc. That 10% work you have to do for YOU is way harder than all the rest.

Owning Your Voice

 I laughed really loud and apologized. It's still a habit to apologize. Isn't that sad? I spent from age 15 to 26 being put down every time I laughed a genuine laugh. What is worse is the person's grandmother scolded me for getting onto my daughters for being too loud. I was just trying to protect them from being scolded also, but the grandma didn't know that. She said she always has laughed loudly and was put down for it, so she can't stand it when she sees anyone trying to shut loud laughter or a loud voice down. I was too young and insecure to tell her it's because her grandson will make me pay dearly for not minding him on being quiet. I wish I had a voice back then.

I learned to have one eventually towards the covert narcissist and as much as that was freedom for me, it was also a punishment to me, because he had planted seeds long before he was done with me (flying monkeys). So all these years I stay quiet about a lot of things. In some ways that is good because I've learned that people who treat me like sh*t over what someone else said to them, without communicating with me, asking my side, etc, is NOT MY TRIBE! I keep them far away from me. The downside is, he still wins on bullying me, because I stay quiet about a lot of things. It's what has kept him off my ass all these years being free from him. Is it really free from him though? No it isn't. I don't want to look back on my death bed and say once again, I wish I had a voice back then! This is now. This is my voice. I'll not be apologizing to anyone for it ever again!

My initial reactions to the way the world is drastically changing from what I'm used to is met by instinct with judgement out of cultural shock. We can't help but to judge/react when it's way out of our concept of what we were raised with.
I think about the younger generation and how they find this all normal, because it is their world of exposure. Part of me wants to turn back time for them, but my understanding of Jesus, and what I've been taught about God tells me it's okay to have that shock reaction. Then let it go, give it over to higher power, because in the end it's God that judges, not any of us.
We don't know their hearts, their culture completely, their lives through every step of their journey so far, exposure, etc. God does.
I choose to be supportive 100% through all walks of life. It takes me some time to get there when shell shocked due to internet changing social connections and advancement, with cultural blending/changes so fast paced, but it is life as we know it today.
Faith is always powerful as life progresses - with or without us having our input with our understanding as we know it right now.
Don't beat yourself up for initial reaction being judgmental/opinionated, etc. You should only worry about your mental growth if you never allow your soul to look at things from a different perspective with an open mind, or not willing to explore new information that goes against what you thought was written in stone as fact.
We're all guilty of not always being able to keep an open mind, and being quick to judge negatively. Not listening to all sides, or committing ourselves to learning different cultural beliefs, etc. It's okay. That is normal.
Development of a higher learning with maturity, etc, is reflection of mind, with the willingness to to understand outside our four walled world.
I call that our soul and learning faith. Most of us are good souls whether you are a believer of Jesus or God or not.

Baseline (psychological)

Thinking out loud: My X-Father in-law would accuse me of lying when my reaction was to be highly upset/angry (when being accused of something I didn't do). He had it written in stone that due to that reaction, I was lying. He never once considered my background history. I grew up with A LOT of other kids, and I was constantly being accused of things I didn't do. I was bullied over it to the point I started lashing out. Once I started lashing out, I learned I'd be left alone by doing so. I never read that as what liars do to get someone to stop interrogating. I didn't know that's what liars normally do. My brain mentally grew up believing their disengagement meant I proved I was telling the truth. If I'm being accused of something I actually did, and I don't want anyone to know, so I try to play stupid, and if still questioned, I'll feel more and more guilty, until I break down, and confess way more than what they needed to know. Example: Chunk's confession in the movie "Goonies".

It wasn't even over a year ago when I last asked, "Look me in the eye, and tell me". I said it while questioning a trained police officer. He looked me in the eye intently of course, and swore he was telling the truth. He wasn't. I now know that, but I didn't at the time. I now know his tell offs though, because I didn't just study his eyes. I didn't know how to process/read his tell offs at the time. I didn't know they were tell offs at the time, but I do now.

How many of you grew up being told something over and over to the point you still believe it is true? When someone tries to give you new information to help you re-learn, or update your info, do you scoff at them, and instantly think they don't know what they are talking about, or do you investigate, look into it, do your homework?

As for myself, I sometimes scoff at first, but give me time. I'll stew on it after arguing my point, but then I'll cave and research it. I always do the walk of shame with admitting when I was wrong. When life is busy and I forget to update the person I scoffed at, I'll feel like a jerk, because I am a jerk for not making it important enough to clarify when I knew it was important to the other person. Also it makes me a jerk because I'll be thankful I was educated better, and I forgot to give thanks. That's just rude, accidental or not, it's rude, and I can be rude A LOT while my light bulb isn't on.

My honesty that is taken as rude doesn't count in my book though. If your makeup is caking, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut. I'm going to tell you. If your house stinks, I'll let you know. If you look like crud, I'm going to tell you. Basically if I think you don't know, and I think you'd want to know, then I'm telling you. Otherwise you have to ask me, and no way anyone should get upset with me when you ask me to be honest, and I am.

With all that said, I am a horrible person when I'm highly upset/irate while going off on someone. My brain isn't working right when that stressed out, and I say things that I actually don't mean, but will try my hardest to convince the other person I DO MEAN IT. You hurt me, and I'm trying to hurt you back, so don't tell me I don't mean it when you know I don't. I'll try harder to convince you I mean it. ALSO Don't guilt trip me for saying something while angry that you know I did not mean while angry. If you drag out the guilt trip, I'm going to resent you more than you resent what I said out of anger. If I actually do mean what I said, I'll stand by it every day, every time it comes up. No worries guessing there.

I'm sharing all this for people that don't know me well. For those that I've known a long time, and still don't get me... you never tried to get me to begin with, you just assume, run with it, write it in stone, like my X father in-law did.

Light Bringers

This will be the second time in my 40 years that I've displayed arrogance like this, and lord forgive me for it, but at the same time - I have to say - that if you want to challenge me on my intellect, values, principles, faith, etc, then you may as well be bringing a knife to a gun show.

I will never go quietly into that good night. My edit button will always be broken. I will always make mistakes, muck things up, but in my heart.. In my heart I am the ONLY ONE that knows where I stand, and where I stand is ALWAYS In YOUR best interest. I will always see the best in YOU (no matter who you are), and I will always fight for the best you want to be. I'll always fight for the best I can be also.

Because I have lived so long trying to train my brain to think positive, be able to put myself in others shoes, and still find compassion, understanding, and forgiveness for others faults... I achieved that VIA wanting so badly for me to be seen for who I am, be able to fully understand others struggles, and then finally realizing that some one has all along... GOD!

I have been through so much in life, more than most I know, but even the people I know that have been through WAY WORSE than me, guess what they discovered long before me? Forgiveness in self, miracles all around us, kindness, compassion, understanding, effective communication, and FREEDOM from guilt. Guilt is there for a reason... it means you have something to learn from it about yourself. Once you own up to it, make amends, it's gone... poof... will never be a problem again...

When you be honest with WHO YOU ARE ALWAYS every day, and retrain your brain to be positive, and in the best interest of everyone you love, or have not even met yet, well... everyone else that tries to hurt you may as well be bringing a knife to a gun show.

They have way more to learn than you at that point.

If you're a good person - your guns will never be seen by the knife wielder. Instead, you'll go out of your way to talk them into letting that knife go... you'll try to be a mentor, guidance, a shoulder to lean on, and a positive influence ALWAYS.

When you get to that level of mentality in life... life is so peaceful. Oh you'll still care just as strongly as you did before, but you'll now have the tools, etc, to help those that couldn't help you when you needed those answers/guidance. In other words, always be a guiding light to everyone, no matter what they are going through. Everyone is capable of learning, and becoming the better person they wish they can be...

Be the light in their darkness...

G'bye October. Hello Turkey Day!

I just got schooled on how to be a secret agent woman. The boys broke their bedroom door again (they keep doing this, so we stopped fixing it). I tried to stealth my way into their pitch black room, seek out my 9 year old son's bag of candy, and fetch me a snickers bar. I failed miserably, waking them all up with the door falling over, and the light switch not coming on (they have a second light switch on other side of room which would require walking over their sleeping selves to find it... in pitch black darkness).

I left their den defeated. Clint handed me a flashlight. I went in for the second round of running the gauntlet for the golden Snickers bar (bite sized is all I wanted).

I stepped in, made my son get on his bed, instead of sleeping on the floor (what is up with that? Will invest further), found his bag of goodies, grabbed it, and ran out like the guilty thief in the night I was.

So, about thirty minutes of cleaning out all the empty packages of candy (I'm OCD like that... I had to clean first... I can't help it!), I discovered that my son has my exact same taste buds. What he didn't want was still in there. It's a bag full of candy corn, starbursts, laughy taffy, and suckers. If those stale bubble gum wrapped things were handed out again, those would be in there also.

ALAS! ... I was too late... The chocolate jewels were done annihilated.

Next year, when trying to go stealth as a parent stealing the spoils of all her kids hard work with manners of always saying "Trick or Treat, Happy Halloween, Thank You" , I'll make sure I pick through his candy score AS SOON AS HE FALLS ASLEEP, and reserve some chocolates (SNICKERS AT LEAST) for my future October craving of my favorites.

Mission failed... Lesson learned.

G'bye October... Hello Turkey day.

Only Time Will Tell

I speak with passion and conviction, but my opinion/views on any subject is not written in stone. I am fully aware that my mind is forever re-shaping, re-thinking as I allow new information in. It isn't always an instant realization that transforms my thinking. There are many times where I really have to mull things over, investigate, etc, before I form a new conclusion of how I understand a thing, subject, situation.

I think for the most part that most people are that way, but some are not aware that is what they are doing while mentally progressing.

There are ponderous things in life that I feel I may never sort out, or have a real opinion on. I shouldn't say opinion in that case. I think it would be more accurate to say I'll never have a true understanding of some things.


The older I get, the more I have observed behaviors in society leaning strongly towards not caring about other people's preferences, or beliefs as they are at the time. People will always love to argue with differences, debate theories, etc, but what I'm referring to specifically here is the root of what always made society be a society. There seems to be a strong pull in society towards not caring about society standards as they used to be for so many centuries now. Society is eroding in the art of consideration of others preferences. Respect is taking on a whole new form of meaning.

Today's culture in America, we unfriend people we have known at length with a push of a button. POOF-GONE. That easy to walk away from someone we have outgrown. Ignore, and pretend they don't exist anymore, and no guilt about it. It's normal anymore to be this way. Forget all we have learned of this person(s) life, keeping up with everything they are about as they progress in this world. The intimacy of friendship is dying, and in its wake is a re-birth of a friendship that is so fleeting, roots ignored, that the whole meaning of "ties that bond us together" is going to be a thought of the past at the rate society today is heading.

Only time will tell if it was a needed progression of society, or a social downfall of the likes history has never known before.

When I leave this world, I want to be known for who I am. That may sound selfish, but what I mean by that is that I want everyone that is (was) a part of my life to know 100% how much I celebrate (ed), and care (ed) in my heart of who they are (were) as a person. All their struggles, pain, happiness, success, and failures... all those emotions make (made) them who they are every second of every waking moment, and it matters to me. It does not go unnoticed by me. I care. I'll never forget.

We are coming into a new era of not respecting/celebrating a human life's roots, and ignoring all they stood for. The voice of "The People" is going to have a stagnant meaning in the future, and it saddens me. We're already being "shushed" by a push of a button. The people pushing that button ( with no regard to the other person's path in this life) are (is) society's future. I'm guilty of it myself.

There is no stopping a mass social change though. We either stay with the times, or fall so far behind that we end up convinced we have a mental disorder, because we just can't fit into society anymore.

I don't mean to sound old, and depressing. I'm just being observant, and truthful as I see it today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring me to shape my brain differently...

Only time will tell.

Infinity; No One Is Worthy.

If you had the chance to make the world a different/better place, if you could live forever, but be restricted in the what if's that you know as you are in your mentality right now... do you think you could come up with answers/solutions that would honor whores, murderers, child molester, pot stirring heartache makers, home wreckers, liars, thieves, etc? Could you honor them? Why would you want to? Are you truly worthy to take on infinity? The world? If you can't feel compassion and understanding for the worst mentalities, let alone being able to relate to ALL walks of life, cultural differences, etc, then you need to get off the vanity wagon, and accept that you are no better than the rest of us fools. Fools all trying to learn to be a better "me". The difference in people is the people that bullshit themselves, let others feed them bullshit, those that see the difference, and the rest that question if they do or don't. 

For me, that puts us all in the same damned category.

Sense of "self" the ego, does it not build a better humanitarian in oneself, so that others, even the world, can benefit, or is the ego of oneself a hindrance in the grand scheme of things? That one I'm still not sure of. Even the most devoted to the life of scripture in the Bible are driven by the sense of self in the reality they do this based on wanting to (no matter the reasoning for wanting to). It is still a self-fulfilled want- that when accomplished or even fathomed as a possibility- encourages one to continue in their efforts. Even when failure ensues relentlessly. The inner desire to do good, even with no desire for recognition, etc, is still a self-driven desire based on self -the gratification of doing good. Even the best intentions have been well documented in history as the breeding ground for mass devastation globally. When is the defining moment that the sense of self has lost touch with the bigger picture while doing everything to help in aiding in the bigger picture? How does one even go about reeling in a person's ego at that point?