Owning Your Voice

 I laughed really loud and apologized. It's still a habit to apologize. Isn't that sad? I spent from age 15 to 26 being put down every time I laughed a genuine laugh. What is worse is the person's grandmother scolded me for getting onto my daughters for being too loud. I was just trying to protect them from being scolded also, but the grandma didn't know that. She said she always has laughed loudly and was put down for it, so she can't stand it when she sees anyone trying to shut loud laughter or a loud voice down. I was too young and insecure to tell her it's because her grandson will make me pay dearly for not minding him on being quiet. I wish I had a voice back then.

I learned to have one eventually towards the covert narcissist and as much as that was freedom for me, it was also a punishment to me, because he had planted seeds long before he was done with me (flying monkeys). So all these years I stay quiet about a lot of things. In some ways that is good because I've learned that people who treat me like sh*t over what someone else said to them, without communicating with me, asking my side, etc, is NOT MY TRIBE! I keep them far away from me. The downside is, he still wins on bullying me, because I stay quiet about a lot of things. It's what has kept him off my ass all these years being free from him. Is it really free from him though? No it isn't. I don't want to look back on my death bed and say once again, I wish I had a voice back then! This is now. This is my voice. I'll not be apologizing to anyone for it ever again!